It’s 4 in the morning on Jan 1.  I meant to write this entry earlier, before Jan 1, about intentions and how I kind of believe in them now, because last year my big intention was that I would leave my husband.  And I did leave him, even though in the back of my head I didn’t know how that would ever be possible.

After a long long night of drinking, and sober, and movies, and obsessing, I have to write this down so I can get past it:  He doesn’t want me.  He doesn’t see me.  He likes me as a friend.  He doesn’t care that I get weak in the knees when I look into his hazel eyes.  That I see his crooked smile and laugh.  That I look forward, always, to the next time I will see him.  He really, truly doesn’t feel what I feel.

It doesn’t matter that he came over here and took apart a tv and did manly soldering and tried to make it work.  It doesn’t matter that he unloaded furniture when I made a crazy furniture purchasing trip to IKEA, with no plan as to how the hell I was going to get it all up to the third floor.  It doesn’t matter that he appears to really like me.  He does.  But that’s all it is.  He’s a nice guy and he likes me.  And he doesn’t want to sleep with me.

So this year, yes, my one big intention is this:  I am worthy of love.  Of meeting and getting to know someone who does care.  Someone who is just as excited to see me in the morning as I am to see them.  Someone who wants me to cook for them, who wants to know that I got home safely at night.  Someone who wants to kiss me as much as I want to kiss him.  I am worthy of love from myself.  I will exercise.  I will eat well.  I will hit hard on the derby track.  I will start running again.  I will pay down my debt.  I will finalize my divorce.  I will have IDs made with my maiden name.  I will read and write and take pictures and hike and live.  I will let go of this ridiculous crush that I’ve had for nearly two years.

I will show my son how strong women can be.

I will get in touch with my feelings.  I will not be intimidated by my mother.  I will not hold grudges against people who genuinely didn’t mean it.  I will sing.  I will go dancing.

In 2010 I will love myself.