Often I have these thoughts that roll around in my head, and I make plans to turn then into journal entries, where the words fit together neatly and they make me feel like I know not only how to express my feelings, but exactly which feelings I want to express.

Most of the time those entries never make it to the computer.  I used to never leave the house without a notebook.  And I guess I’m still in that habit.  But originally it was so that I would never lose a thought.  It’s like never leaving the house without a camera.  Sometimes I have those fits too.  But now I just keep a notebook in my purse because I might have to make a shopping list, or remember to look something up later.  Nevermind that my phone can do that thinking for me.

But the point of this entry is simply this:  I want to remember this feeling I had tonight.  Wednesday is always drop off night.  Every other Wedsnesday, the drop off is just for two days, and I get him back on Friday for the weekend.  Tonight was  the alternating one, where I don’t see him again until Monday.  I enjoy my quiet weekends.  I get stuff done, and I have time to be alone; to re-center myself.  Parenting with my husband was a constant thing.  It was semi-on all the time.  We could all be at home and everyone would be involved.  There was little downtime, and when the downtime was with the ex, it still wasn’t true downtime.

Parenting alone is a different thing. There’s on and off. We meet at daycare and transfer the carseat and his stuff from my car to his van.  And since we were both there around the same time, we went inside together.  Because of the way things worked out, I left them in the daycare.

I kissed my son goodbye and walked out of daycare, a place where you only leave alone in the morning, alone.  And I felt it.  Not the expected “hm what will I do with this glorious time alone?” feeling, but the Lonely Single Mom who might feel shitty, and even though I am glad I don’t live anywhere near my family, I sure could use the company right now, and doesn’t the fact that it’s Christmastime make it a million times worse(?), feeling.