I hate my ass. And my thighs. Seriously, hate. People talk about how we should honor our bodies and our selves, and I nod and pretend I can be healthy and not hate myself, but I do. I hate my belly. I don’t care how inspired you are by the shape of a mother, I was this way BEFORE having a child.  I have hated my body since high school, when I spent days starving myself in hopes that I would become “normal” and a boy would like me.  Because really, when a boy likes you, that’s a sign of normal.

Normal girls have boyfriends.

Fat, ugly, unsexy girls have friends who are boys.  Boys who will confide anything and everything in them, because there’s no pressure.  The fat friend is the safe friend.  The one who won’t suspect that you want in her pants because, who would want in her pants?  Who would want to see the jiggle of her thighs?  Who would want to see the envelope of sweat that hangs below her belly?

And when the fat girl falls for the friend?  She knows better than to say anything.

Years ago I had a “safe” friend.  We were inseparable.  But we never kissed.  We spent every night together.  First call in the morning, last call at night.  No thought was too insignificant to share between us.  And I wanted more.  Of course I didn’t tell him, and it dragged out for awhile.  I say awhile because now, ten, twelve years later, I don’t recall how long it all was.  But I remember the minute it ended.

We were at a birthday party.  Birthday girl got drunk.  So drunk that she was screaming and puking and she went out into the street and laid down so that cars could hit her.  (It wasn’t a busy street and everything was ok in the end.  The police were called at one point.)  Since she was drunk, she took the liberty to say it.  She looked him in the eye and asked him why he wasn’t dating me.  Dumbfounded, he said nothing.

“It’s because she’s fat, isn’t it?”

She knew.  I don’t think she knew I was in love with him, but she knew why it would never happen.  Girls like me don’t get boys like that.

He never did answer.

I stopped returning his calls.

I’m afraid this time it’s exactly that.