Archive for March, 2010

It was a good weekend. Friday night I made it home around 4. Spent the evening with the crush and his friends. Saturday I played a game in a neighboring city. We lost but had fun.

I know updates are spotty and somewhat lame. I will work on that.

Ps this was sitting in drafts hence the late posting.

I had a game tonight, in another city. It was around three hours away by car. A friend asked me if the crush came to watch and I said no, he had a thing. And really even if he were available he wouldn’t drive this far.

She appeared surprised.

The night of my first game he was supposed to show up. He knew it was sort of important to me because he joked earlier in the week about going out of town, and wondered out loud to me exactly how pissed I’d be if he were to do so. I said it was up to him and that I’d be disappointed. But I did not pull out all the crazy and tell him that he really shouldn’t go.

Instead he stayed in town and went hiking. On a really long hike. Really. Long. So he calls me from on top of a mountain, asking again what time the game was going to start, because he really did have every intention of showing up. And when I told him and he realized he was in a little bit of a pickle, he told me that there was a chance that he wouldn’t make it. But he called from a mountain. And he let me know. I was fully prepared to let him off the hook.

And then at halftime he showed up. Straight from the hike. No shower. Dead tired. How does one NOT love him for that?

Pls note I am not one of those internet LOST zealots who keeps up with the online theories. These are just my notes mostly to myself because I have the world’s worst memory for what is going on here.

When Alpert freaks out about the guy with the sword killing people on the Hanso boat he suddenly loses his accent. Spanish is not his first language?

He has eyeliner on, even back then.

This commercial for Verizon showing the Family Locator App? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? lojacks on our kids? Are you fucking kidding me? Maybe I misunderstood it, but this is not okay in my world.

Richard thinks it’s hell. I’m not sure he knows what he’s talking about.

Here is where I start to get confused. If the guy in black = the smoke monster, and Richard signed his soul over to the smoke monster (haha “a friend,” “my friend” – similar to what claire called locke, “my friend”). Possibly when the guy in black says “he has her” this might have been before the man in black was the same as the smoke monster. Or maybe he’s lying to get Richard on his side.

IF HE SPEAKS IT WILL ALREADY BE TOO LATE. I AM THE SMOKE. Now I feel really seriously dumb. This guy is saying he’s the smoke but that “the devil” took his body. How is alpert going to know who the devil is?

Oh. So they can’t directly kill each other.

When jacob and Richard are sitting on the log on the beach the lighting changes to that soft yellow light we last saw at the top of the lighthouse.

So really they have Richard styled to look like what we think Jesus looks like on purpose, right? Christianity is all about free will, making the choice to believe, and “it’s not faith if we just PROVE that it’s true,” right? And then there’s that story where the non believer is watching the birds fly into the window and he says “if I could, I’d turn into a bird to show them the way.” And then Blam, he believed, because holy shit, that’s what Jesus was, right? Just another bird to show them.

Come on. There is no way a Jew-run entertainment business is going to let LOST be a show about Christianity. This I am not buying.

OK before tonight I wasn’t sure which side I wanted to be on. I believe we need the cork.

Some of you are confused. Because one day I’m saying I’m done with him, whatever, universe, and the next I’m listing off love letters.

The thing with writing online is that I get to write what I want you to read, and you are receptive to what your own mind is ready to receive, and somewhere between the two is the truth.

In the ten years that I’ve written online I’ve learned to let go of the need to explain every last detail. That they don’t matter. The only reason I do this is to let go of these snippets of my life. And to archive them, because sometimes I really enjoy reading about how crazy I was during certain times in my life. And because it’s my life, I own that roadmap that says I was driving through texas when I wrote that entry, so my understanding and re-living of these moments is completely different from when you read through them.

But there’s been some confusion in the past couple of days, and just this once (no promises, I may do it again) I think I will step in and answer some questions.

1. The sweet things he did for me? That’s an ongoing list. He bought the yarn last summer.
2. The entry about the anxiety? A friend of mine sent him an email that basically said “hey I think she might love you.” It put me on edge for a whole 8 hours or so, from the time she hit send to the time he texted me the next morning to let me know he was on his way to work.

Yes, he does that. No, not because we have a checking-in system, but because I am in charge of putting on the morning coffee.

The rest of the day was completely normal. He’s a good friend. Quit worrying about me. I said I’m enjoying it, and I am. I might enjoy it more if he would kiss me, but I’m good with this, especially if he’s just going to leave me for some other country.

3. Yes, I AM pursuing other options. The world doesn’t stand still for this man.

He went on vacation and brought me back yarn.  YARN.

OK this post has spurred a new category:  Love letters.

A couple of weeks ago I had a conversation with a friend that went something like this:

friend: I think he should write me love letters.

me: Uh, what?

f: You heard me.  I want it written down how he feels about me.

m: Oh.  I don’t want that.  Too mushy.  His actions are love letters enough for me.  Plus I’m convinced that he will not write the love letter I want to read.  He will mess it up.

f: Hm.  No, I still want love letters.

So here it is.  The category love letters will be sweet, endearing stuff he has done for me.  Except they don’t have to be just from him.  I guess really it’s things I’m appreciative for…

you know that feeling, kind of anxious and freaked out and you want to barf but it all might be totally unwarranted?  I have that now.  Hopefully by the end of the day there will be more to this entry.

sweet things the crush has done for me

• attempted to fix the tv that stopped working, complete with solder and manly tools.
• he thinks of me when he goes for coffee.  and brings one back for me.  every time.
• chocolate.
• random texts about nothing.
• emails with links to things he finds interesting or pretty.
• regular IMs.
• he unloaded furniture from an ill-planned IKEA run of mine.  and brought friends to help.
• he has brought me music.
• daily lunch invites.
• he giggles everytime he catches me counting the tip total on my fingers.
• he avoids scratching his fork on the plate because he knows it drives me insane.

When we stand close to each other and he looks me in the eye, I always wonder if he feels what I feel.  Because (and this is going to sound so high school of me to say) how the hell can I be the only one who feels it?

Because I have every other weekend child-free I work hard to try and pack them full of things that matter; things that I cannot do when I have a child in the house.

Saturday started with snowboarding.  He and a friend of his picked me up, with the grease and coffee that I requested when he called and I got giddy.  It was the first time I really got to hang out with this particular friend of his.  Turns out he’s pretty cool and a little bit snoopy, as he totally went through my phone.  I have no idea what he found, but I’m going to guess he knows that I have the hots for his friend.

When we talked the night before we kind of thought that I’d be boarding with the friends and he would be on his own, because he’s sort of way more hardcore than they are, which was OK by me.  But in the end we kind of got ditched on the gondola ride up so we ended up sticking together all day.  We did a couple of runs with the friends after lunch but they ditched us pretty quick.

We did some gossiping about the other half of the group among the three of us who rode together in the truck, and now that I think about it, I’m wondering if the other half of the group did any gossiping about the rest of us?  I TOTALLY would have asked if Crushboy and I were having relations if I was from the other half of the group – he picked me up, he stayed w me all day even though I’m not exactly fast, AND I’m not really in the circle of friends – I’m his friend from work who he is pretty close with.  Yeah, from the outside I think I’d question that.

I made progress in the trees.  Got through some nice, narrow stuff and didn’t freak out…  I’m so so close to being able to not fear the blacks too much, but not yet.  Almost.  That will be my goal for next year.  Also I went up on goat’s eye for the first time ever, AND I did the ski out.  (Again, first time.)

Crush slept in the back and the other friend drove us home.  We chit chatted all the way back, and I think he is pretty cool, this friend.  I take it back, he wasn’t actually sleeping, but he was laying down comfortably.  And piping up whenever he had something to say.  Now I’m wondering if he thought I was coming off as flirty.  Or did I?  I’m a little bit uncomfortable about it now that I think back, because crushboy knows me so well.

After a shower and some food I met up with some of my girlfriends.  We crashed a party at a community center.  Some of us had lots to drink… Spent the evening playing fun singing games, drinking games, and dancing!

And today I washed the beer that was spilled on my head out of my hair.  And slept.  And recovered, because jesus lord, this is what a hangover is.  I had forgotten.  Gin does not do this to me.

He’s on his way to get me.  I am a dork.  DORK.  He called to see if I wanted food, because he and the boys tend to grease up before snowboarding.  Which I never do.  But hey since he called and they’re stopping, I’m IN.  And coffee…

And now I’m all excited and semi giddy like a schoolgirl.