Today’s post comes to you in the form of emails… Because I am thoughtful I am re-ordering the messages so you get them in order, instead of upside down, the way email replies tend to go.
> On Mon, Mar 8, 2010 at 1:23 PM, Hannah wrote:
>
> He applied for a job somewhere else.
—————————–
> *From:* Julia Brown
> *Sent:* Monday, March 08, 2010 1:27 PM
> *To:* Hannah
> *Subject:* Re:
>
> that f*&ckwad
>
>—————————–
> On Mon, Mar 8, 2010 at 1:28 PM, Hannah wrote:
>
> Well I’m torn because it might be the open door.
>
Because he has said that he has an issue with dating coworkers. Not with me or us specifically, but just in general. Because talking about us for real would be too much like talking about feelings. It’s no wonder this relationship is really taking off.
>
> *From:* Julia
> *Sent:* Monday, March 08, 2010 2:03 PM>
> *To:* Hannah
> *Subject:* Re:
>
>
> oh that is a good point. however it would be sad to not see him all the
> time.
>—————————–
On Mon, Mar 8, 2010 at 2:04 PM, Hannah wrote:
>
> Yes that was the initial thought at lunch when he sprung it on me. And I
> tried not to cry. Or at least appear crazy.
>
>
> ——————————
>
> *From:* Julia
> *Sent:* Monday, March 08, 2010 2:06 PM>
> *To:* Hannah
> *Subject:* Re:
>
>
> Did you cry??
>
—————————–
> On Mon, Mar 8, 2010 at 2:09 PM, Hannah wrote:
>
> No I think I played it cool. Possibly too cool.
>
>
> ——————————
>
> *From:* Julia
> *Sent:* Monday, March 08, 2010 2:10 PM
> *To:* Hannah
> *Subject:* Re:
>
>
> make sure he doesn’t think you’re dying to get rid of him!
>
—————————–
> On Mon, Mar 8, 2010 at 2:10 PM, Hannah wrote:
>
> God I’d like a do-over of that meal.
>
—————————–
> *From:* Julia
> *Sent:* Monday, March 08, 2010 2:12 PM
> *To:* Hannah
> *Subject:* Re:
>
>
> just tell him in IM that you would miss him.
>
—————————–
> *From:* Hannah
> *Sent:* Monday, March 08, 2010 2:15 PM
> *To:* Julia
> *Subject:* RE:
>
>
> I’ve said it before to his face, so I’m ok telling him that. But I think I
> was trying to not come off as crazy at lunch so mixed messages galore.
>
> His internet is out (so no IM). However he is trying to resolve it as we
> speak.
>
> I’m such a moron. A normal girl would have just said something instead of
> fawn like this for the past two years.
>
> ——————————
So then I decide to forward the entire conversation to my friend, Sally.
> On Mon, Mar 8, 2010 at 5:16 PM, Hannah wrote:
>
> This is secret. Pretend your husband is not bff with the person in
> question.
>
Yeah you read that right. B. F. F. I’ve never actually met Sally. She lives many many miles away and I promise you I am not friends with the intended’s bff’s wife because I am a stalker. I know how it sounds logical given my current state of crazy, but seriously, that’s not how it all went down.
> ——————————
> *From:* Sally
> *Sent:* Monday, March 08, 2010 3:21 PM
> *To:* Hannah
> *Subject:* Re: SHHHHH FW:
>
>
> OMG!!!!!!!!!!
> Where is the job?
>—————————–
(At this point she’s thinking he’s looking elsewhere because he has the “no dating coworkers” thing.)
> On Mon, Mar 8, 2010 at 6:22 PM, Hannah wrote:
>
> Peru. Again SSHHH.
>
>—————————–
I’ve never actually said it here, but just so we’re clear: We live nowhere NEAR Peru. Peru means an entirely different country for him.
> *From:* Sally
> *Sent:* Monday, March 08, 2010 4:40 PM
> *To:* Hannah
> *Subject:* Re: SHHHHH FW:
>
>
> WHAT?????????? Jesus H.
>
> Time to start wishing and hoping that doesn’t happen!
>
On Mon, Mar 8, 2010 at 7:59 PM, Hannah wrote:
> He just spent the last 45 minutes here at my desk. I think I made it
> clear that I’m not on board with the plan. Yeah. Wishing and hoping.
>
—–Original Message—–
From: Sally
Sent: Mon 3/8/2010 6:54 PM
To: Hannah
Subject: Re: SHHHHH FW:
Maybe he’s trying to push you into telling him you love him????
—–Original Message—–
From: Hannah
Sent: Mon 3/8/2010 10:20 PM
To: Sally
Subject: RE: SHHHHH FW:
you are a funny girl.
predictably so, YES, the car show was kind of an arranged meetup. Except this time he had a friend of his with him so we didn’t exactly hang out. We texted back and forth. While walking around the same event, silly I know. We eventually met up when we were done and walked out together.
Here’s why I’m crazy: We talked a little, he and his friend said hi to my son. We walked a little… When we finally said goodbye there was a look. I am NOT imagining it. A look and a linger, and there is no way I imagined this.
So you see this is how it works with us: I’m ready to be totally over it. And then something happens – we go snowboarding; we stay up talking online until 3AM; we share one too many inside jokes. And I forget that I was done with him and the giddy feeling that comes up from deep inside my belly returns, and the flushing in my cheeks, and the smile. I’m not complaining though, it’s kind of fun to not be in control.
Ann is bored at work so I’m updating in an effort to help her get through the day. Because I am a good friend.
So two weeks ago theCrush and I and my son went to a boat show. It just worked out that way, it wasn’t like a planned date or anything. We had fun and he was awesome even when the kid got grouchy at the end of the day. The highlight of the nondate was when one of the salesguys tried to sell theCrush a boat. For him. And his family. LOL. We both ignored it and never spoke of it again.
Last weekend he met someone. Someone who is not me. And I spent a couple of days going insane this week thinking about what was going to happen with the girl. And then I got over it. I decided that if he wants to date her lame ass, he can go right ahead. She can’t be anywhere near as cool as I am. And he’s a moron for even considering her.
And now I am running out the door to go to the World of Wheels.
Property management guy who just knocked on my door to tell me that I left the keys in the door: Adorable.
I spent the day having anxiety over this thing that I had to be at, where both of them were also going to be. And a bunch of other people, many who were rather sympathetic to my cause. Now I can kind of imagine what it’s like for people who live with anxiety disorders. I spent the day worrying, the time leading up to the event unable to relax, completely on edge, ready to burst into tears at any second, and then after the thing that we all had to be at, which lasted around three hours, I tried to relax and let it go, but my mind went insane some more.
I kept it together but I did not sleep. I woke up over and over again, each time removing myself from yet another dream that was directly related to the worrying that went on all day.
Important to note: I did not start any fights. I may have thrown a few dirty looks. I may have departed from the drill and chased that bitch down. (It’s roller derby so it’s kind of allowed.) I looked good. I walked away gracefully.
Or, the list of things I wish I had when I moved out of my ex husband’s house.
1. Spice rack
2. Salt and pepper shakers (akin to spice rack, but I dunno about you, in my world salt and pepper do not go on the same rack as oregano.
3. Baking tins. Muffin, loaf, cake, pie. All of the above.
4. Freezer containers. Freezer bags.
5. Meat thermometer.
6. Furniture. (This I got a LOT of, and I thank every last one of you who donated to my cause.)
Except for the last one, all these things are the kinds of stuff that I would have loved to receive in the breakup. And I bet I’m not the only one who doesn’t want to spend money on this stuff. I bought a salt and pepper shaker last week. I’ve been in this apartment for eight months already. Only tonight did I buy the peppercorns to go in it!
I’ve been absent, mostly because there is drama in my corner and I can’t write about it without looking like the biggest gossip on earth. It’s not entirely my story to tell, too.
The short version is this: The tables have turned. Call it karma or irony, or even ironic karma. They say that you go through the stages of grief in a breakup, similar to a death. I’m not sure all the rules apply to every situation, but you might say that I’m in the angry stage right now. Except I had already made my way to “Acceptance,” since I’m pretty sure I started processing the divorce way before he did, so I was like three steps ahead all along.
But what happens when your stages are interrupted by outside factors? Like you’re recovering from the breakup and you meet someone else. I don’t think that allows you to really process the breakup. It just distracts you and suspends your emotions/processing machine in space. And you enter into a new relationship all kinds of fucked up. Now let’s pretend you do that over and over again. Every. Single. Relationship is entered into under false pretenses.
And *I* was the one who lied?
Pigeons in a box. I have a crazy urge to kill the pigeons.
I went on vacation. Somewhere sunny and full of family. I took my son. It was nice and I reconfirmed yet again that I will never, ever be able to live anywhere near my family on a long-term basis.
I came home to a weekend of crap. My ego and self esteem are damaged. I am in a daze and trying not to punch walls, yell at friends, or cry in public.
I had dinner with the Crush. Who right, I am done with. Thanks for the reminder. A new codename for him is in order. The Friend Who is Very Cute. TFWiVC. That there is a lot of letters. Very Cute Friend. VCF. VCF and I had dinner after an excessively stressful day. He was hungry. I needed a happy break. I guess we both got what we needed out of that.
Today I returned to work after several weeks of not working. I got a lot done and managed to forget about how much I hate myself right now. And then I remembered.
I said I was letting it go. That I had come to the realization that he just isn’t that into me. That I was better than this and that pining for a boy who doesn’t feel the same is pointless.
And five days later he showed up at this thing that was sort of a makeshift birthday party. And it all went out the window because omg he is cute.
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and who said negativity wasn't productive?